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Nonviolent Communication can hurt people

realsocialskills:

People who struggle interpersonally, who seem unhappy, or who get into a lot of conflicts are often advised to adopt the approach of Nonviolent Communication. 

This is often not a good idea. Nonviolent Communication is an approach based on refraining from seeming to judge others, and instead expressing everything in terms of your own feelings. For instance, instead of “Don’t be such an inconsiderate jerk about leaving your clothes around”, you’d say “When you leave your clothing around, I feel disrespected.”. That approach is useful in situations in which people basically want to treat each other well but have trouble doing so because they don’t understand one another’s needs and feelings. In every other type of situation, the ideology and methodology of Nonviolent Communication can make things much worse.

Nonviolent Communication can be particularly harmful to marginalized people or abuse survivors. It can also teach powerful people to abuse their power more than they had previously, and to feel good about doing so. Non-Violent Communication has strategies that can be helpful in some situations, but it also teaches a lot of anti-skills that can undermine the ability to survive and fight injustice and abuse.

For marginalized or abused people, being judgmental is a necessary survival skill. Sometimes it’s not enough to say “when you call me slurs, I feel humiliated” - particularly if the other person doesn’t care about hurting you or actually wants to hurt you. Sometimes you have to say “The word you called me is a slur. It’s not ok to call me slurs. Stop.” Or “If you call me that again, I’m leaving.” Sometimes you have to say to yourself “I’m ok, they’re mean.” All of those things are judgments, and it’s important to be judgmental in those ways.

You can’t protect yourself from people who mean you harm without judging them. Nonviolent Communication works when people are hurting each other by accident; it only works when everyone means well. It doesn’t have responses that work when people are hurting others on purpose or without caring about damage they do. Which, if you’re marginalized or abused, happens several times a day. NVC does not have a framework for acknowledging this or responding to it.

In order to protect yourself from people who mean you harm, you have to see yourself as having the right to judge that someone is hurting you. You also have to be able to unilaterally set boundaries, even when your boundaries are upsetting to other people. Nonviolent Communication culture can teach you that whenever others are upset with you, you’re doing something wrong and should change what you do in order to meet the needs of others better. That’s a major anti-skill. People need to be able to decide things for themselves even when others are upset.

Further, NVC places a dangerous degree of emphasis on using a very specific kind of language and tone. NVC culture often judges people less on the content of what they’re saying than how they are saying it. Abusers and cluelessly powerful people are usually much better at using NVC language than people who are actively being hurt. When you’re just messing with someone’s head or protecting your own right to mess with their head, it’s easy to phrase things correctly. When someone is abusing you and you’re trying to explain what’s wrong, and you’re actively terrified, it’s much, much harder to phrase things in I-statements that take an acceptable tone.

Further, there is *always* a way to take issue with the way someone phrased something. It’s really easy to make something that’s really about shutting someone up look like a concern about the way they’re using language, or advice on how to communicate better. Every group I’ve seen that valued this type of language highly ended up nitpicking the language of the least popular person in the group as a way of shutting them up. 

tl;dr Be careful with Nonviolent Communication. It has some merits, but it is not the complete solution to conflict or communication that it presents itself as. If you have certain common problems, NVC is dangerous.

Posted 1 month ago
2783

omgthatdressxx:

How to Pack Luggage?

(via liamdryden)

Posted 2 months ago
393436

aces-and-anime:

basedheisenberg:

"All media should start having trigger warnings for graphic or upsetting content."

You mean like these:

image

reblogging because I didn’t know these

(via vulpiximisa)

Posted 2 months ago
107456

legolasmyegolas:

spooperlucifer:

licklucifer:

keep-calm-and-read-fanfic:

keep-calm-and-read-fanfic:

The Epic Tale of the Wayward iPhone 

part I   part II

Science side of tumblr, please explain?

I don’t know about the science side, but the avengers fandom sure will

IM LAUGHING CUZ ITS IN MINT CONDITION AND HAS A MINT CASE IM SORRY NOT SORRY

(Source: multifandom-madnesss, via timetravelingimpala)

Posted 2 months ago
123273

dajo42:

dress for the job you want, not the job you have. show up to your day job at mcdonalds in a spacesuit. who the fuck’s gonna stop the mcastronaut

(via crino-line)

Posted 2 months ago
115491

venitinmentem:

forsooth-verily:

jojothedickcopter:

As I sashay through the valley of the shadow of death 

#shoes for strutting atop the bodies of my defeated enemies

#yea #as I sashay through the valley of the shadow of death #I will fear no evil:#for I am the most bad ass bitch the nine hells have ever seen #amen
Posted 2 months ago
148833

jimzuccofromit:

Having a ship shoved down your throat because it’s the most popular in a fandom ಠ_ಠ

Having your own ship violated in fanfiction for the sake of the popular ship ಠ_ಠ

Having posts about your ship hijacked by the popular ship ಠ_ಠ

Getting really fucking tired of hearing about the popular ship and then being asked how you can dislike it so much ಠ_ಠ

(via vulpiximisa)

Posted 2 months ago
16831

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85816

warp-factor-gr8:

mortalstardust:

autisticmerrill:

support butch lesbians

support flamboyant gay men

support polyamorous bisexuals and pansexuals

support sex-repulsed asexuals

don’t throw people under the bus because they “fit a stereotype” you deem negative that you try to distance yourself from

addendum to support sex-repulsed asexuals: support trauma asexuals, too. 

Can we also support bisexuals who are young and/or confused?

(via lyraeon)

Posted 2 months ago
95706

alltheladiesyouhate:

what’s even the point of a video game if you can’t have a female player character

(via lyraeon)

Posted 2 months ago
2206

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